This is my final message. If you hear this message, follow the signal and we will be able to rebuild. If you have all gone, this message is for any species that inhabit a desolate planet and need to know what happened.
My name is Zak. I am 26 years old. The date is July 15, 2019. The predicament in which we find ourselves is our own fault. I may be the last human and after I pass the human race will no longer grace this planet.
Exactly one year ago, the prophecy came true. I had made a prediction before the event, but I never thought it would come true. On this day, in 2018, England won the World Cup. The streets were singing “It’s Coming Home” for weeks prior to the event and in Moscow, Russia, football finally came home.
England defeated France 4-0 in the final after the French waved a white flag 38 minutes into the match, almost 200 years after Napoleon surrendered close to defeat at the Battle of Waterloo. I guess it runs in the wine.
Almost immediately after the victory, the UK Government announced July 16 as a bank holiday. This was where it all started to go downhill. As it was summer, the sun didn’t set till 9:45pm, the streets were flowing with food and drink. The rules of the road were the first to go; traffic lights were pulled down, barriers and fences in place for roadworks were thrown away, and concrete was dug up to create BBQ pits. Street parties weren’t solely confined to the inner roads, they were now being held on major roads across the country.
Within a week, the economy had taken a massive hit. People stopped going to work. They wanted to celebrate. Any employer not allowing celebrations were turned against as employees walked out one by one. Law and order was nowhere to be seen; the streets which were previously filled with food and drink, were now being supplied drugs.
One inspirational figure managed to manipulate the chemical DNA of the Novichok agent to turn it into the party drug of the 21st century. The Russians, who at first denied bringing the agent to the UK, were now wanting to take credit for the havoc, but this one figure rebutted their claims. No one knows what happened to this person – standard Russian behaviour.
This was the British public, they wouldn’t stop there, they wanted to do more, they wanted to show the world how to party. Remember, in 2016, the British public voted to leave the EU, and now, they didn’t want Theresa May as Prime Minister, they wanted a waistcoat-wearing “God” to lead their country. Thousands marched into Parliament, reminiscent of the scene from V for Vendetta, and the government was overthrown.
Then, and this is what many of the “higher classes” believed to be the downfall of society, the monarchy was overthrown. Prince Charles patiently waited several decades for his chance at being King, but after Harry Kane scored a hat-trick in the final, following his hat-trick against Panama, the public no longer wanted King Charles, they wanted King Harry.
Prince Harry tried to negotiate with the public, but he was forcibly shutdown after failing to complete the Floss Dance Challenge when pit against Jesse Lingard.
Nicola Sturgeon took advantage of this opportunity and declared Scotland as a sovereign nation. The Welsh would have done the same, but they were too busy tending to sheep. The English, still not caring, decide to mock the Scottish and Welsh for not winning the World Cup. Sturgeon erected a border between the two nations and announced the English will never enter Scotland as long as she lives.
Our story moves forward to September 6, 2018. With the economy in shatters, people have no money to watch sports, whether it be football, cricket, or rugby. This causes huge resentment for the likes of Lewis Hamilton, Alastair Cook, and Dylan Hartley, who all come up with a plan to systematically take out the England football team one by one, until they are all a distant memory.
In a strange turn of events, and because English people say they’re happy for you when really, they’re not happy for you and are actually insanely jealous of your achievements, but because they’re English they have to pretend they’re happy, the English footballers who didn’t get the chance to go to the World Cup, turn on their compatriots and hang them out to dry.
This doesn’t deter the English public as every radio station continuously plays “It’s Coming Home” on repeat 24/7. By Christmas Day, the single breaks the record for the most consecutive weeks spent at number one in the UK charts. It’s become a tradition for new parents to ring grandparents to tell them “It’s Coming Home” before they bring their new-borns home for the first time.
New Years’ Day 2019, after King Harry was dethroned, the UK became a Republic, and Southgate was replaced by Boris Johnson as Prime Minister. Boris waited outside 10 Downing Street for Southgate to leave; when he did, Boris ran inside and blocked the front door with chairs.
If you’re still listening to this message, I apologise for the ramblings and will get to how humanity got to this state.
While there was turmoil in England, other parts of the world were experiencing their own transformation. In an event the majority of the world thought they’d never see, North and South Korea reunited to create the Republic of New Korea. There was worldwide praise from all corners, and Moon Jae-In won the Nobel Peace Prize. When accepting the prize, President Moon stated he has arrested Chairman Kim for crimes against humanity and his new title will be Supreme Ruler of the Republic of New Korea.
Emmanuel Macron, devastated by France’s showing in the World Cup Final, decides it is time for him to drop the nice guy, all for the people image he represents and take over the EU before Angela Merkel gets her way. For the first time in modern history, France invades Germany. Macron stands atop the Brandenburg Gate throwing baguettes at everyone who walks past, shouting the country is now his and for everyone to bow down.
Germans respond they’re not like that anymore and begin pointing at Macron. The action of pointing upwards with your right arm causes you to…Just think about it as you point upwards with your right arm and see how it refers to Germans. Macron creates the Fourth Reich.
With Boris as Prime Minister, Trump as President, Macron as a new Fuhrer, and Moon as Supreme Ruler, the world was closer than ever to destruction. The Doomsday Clock had struck zero. We were now officially through the looking glass.
We were all wondering why the Chinese were suspiciously quiet throughout the whole ordeal. Apparently, someone clicked their fingers and the entire population of China disintegrated.
Valentine’s Day 2019, Boris gives Trump a card, Trump and Macron exchange cards, and Moon gives himself a card.
Boris is outraged, but due to having no counsel to advise him on how to cope with his inner rage, it takes him over a month to come up with a plan. March 29, 2019, Boris decides it’s time to leave the EU with a bang. Every simple man, such as Boris, is perplexed by a red button – we just have to press it. Boris presses the button and with a kaboom, a bang, and a splat, the EU is gone, wiped off the map. The English defeat the Germans, again.
A barren land with minimal inhabitants having previously been conquered by the English, it was only fitting that the next person to press the red button was Trump, but Trump, being the master negotiator, convinces Moon to press the button at the same time as him – a button bromance.
Moon presses the button. Trump presses the button. Boris was out of buttons and holds up a sign that reads: “Help.” More kabooms. More bangs. More splats. More really bad Batman-style buzzwords. More Russians looking over their skies wondering what the bright lights are as they practice isolationism; the only problem were the bright lights that caused the bears to attack people. The Kremlin was overrun by a group of bears.
If you are a survivor, anywhere in the world, please respond to this message. We must rebuild the world. We need to rebuild the world. This is our only planet. We cannot destroy it due to a few disagreements.
Events and characters depicted in the above story are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or persons is purely coincidental.